We’re proud of our bloggers for the personal stories they choose to share. The topic of this essay, loss of a loved one in college, may be triggering for some, and we’d encourage anyone who is seeking help to reach out to National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Lifeline.
-Penn Admissions
Gentle warning: This article contains a lot of language about death. I talk about a lot of difficult topics surrounding the death of a loved one that I or my loved ones have experienced. The advice I give in this post is only based off of my own experience (with a few tips borrowed from my friends over the years).
Let’s start at the beginning – you get a phone call from your mom while you’re studying in the Starbucks under Commons. It doesn’t sink in until you’re in the bathroom 15 minutes later. The sobbing and banging on the bathroom stall are all a blur and all you can remember is the softness of the sweater on the dining hall manager who is hugging you while you cry (I’m sorry I forgot your name. I think it began with a T).
Each semester I’ve been at Penn, except for my Fall 2016 semester, I have lost at least one family member or friend. One of my roommates, who was raised by her grandparents, lost her grandmother the summer before our sophomore year. Another one of my roommates lost her aunt during our most challenging clinical rotation. One of my nursing classmates lost her father last spring. I could go on and on listing the countless people I know who have been touched by loss while in college. This is a topic that I rarely hear anyone discuss – even right after it happens. It’s a very difficult subject, and something that everyone deals with differently.
When you find out something this serious, I recommend going back to your room to spend some time collecting your thoughts. Let your roommates get you food if they offer, and eat something even though you feel like you’re going to be sick. You’re going to think of this person a lot. You’re going to wonder how someone who is barely a teenager could take their life, or why your relative self medicated, or how it’s possible to get a cancer diagnosis just a few weeks before the end. You’re going to think of the person’s mother and their sister and your mother and your brother and it’s going to be a really rough few hours. You’ll experience the feeling of being hollow and heavy concurrently.
The following days, you’ll most likely spend a lot of time talking with your family. If you live close, you might have to help organize a funeral, or a mass, or maybe you’ll have to keep track of contacting relatives. If you live far, you’ll have to weigh the options of flying home for the services. This can all be very stressful. You’ll realize how much you’ve grown up when you have to assume all of these roles, but try not to get caught up in figuring it all out on your own. It’s too much for one person to handle. If you need help you should reach out to family, friends, or even professors for support.
You might need to miss one day of class. You might not be able to finish assignments, or even finish the entire semester. This is okay. Being honest with your professors and advisors is the best thing for you to do. My GA once told me, “Life isn’t linear,” Sometimes when we deviate from our original plan it seems like the world is ending, but you are very capable of getting back on track (or a different track, if that is better for you). I’ve only received kindness and well wishes after reaching out to professors during hard times. In my experience, I have been able to reschedule tests and turn in assignments late, and although I definitely cannot speak for the entirety of the Penn faculty, most of my friends have also had a ton of support – both academically and emotionally – after going through similar situations. If somehow your grade if affected by the stress surrounding the event – don’t worry. You are working hard. You are healing. You are doing the best you can with the situation you’re in right now. You are doing life work, which is much more important than any homework assignment you’ll ever receive.
In the weeks and months after the event takes place, you will have memories of it happening. You’ll see something and think “Wow they would love that,” and remember that they’re gone. You’ll read something in a book, smell a candle, or see an old photo on your Facebook timeline that reminds you of them, and you’ll be still for a moment. Maybe it will take you 5 minutes to recover, or maybe the rest of the weekend. One very important thing to remember is that everyone heals differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Reaching out to a counselor or therapist, or even taking advantage of a cultural center, the LGBT center, the Office of the Chaplain, and various other support groups can make a huge difference. If you can’t be with family, your friends can be a tremendous help – they might sit with you while you talk about what happened, encourage you to get help when needed, or make you laugh to distract you for a little while.
It’s really hard to hear someone tell you, “At least you have the good memories!!” after someone passes away, but eventually you’ll realize that this is an amazing gift. You might have to deal with family issues after the event, you might go into a deep depression after their death, you might need to take time off school to cope with the loss – but eventually you’ll see something that reminds you of them and smile. You’ll remember running around outside, watching them laugh as they try to run faster. You’ll remember how they embarrassed you when you met their co-workers and they yelled “THIS is my BEAUTIFUL niece who I told you all so much about!!” and watch them all roll their eyes, as if they heard the story a thousand times. You’ll remember how they encouraged you to stand up for what is right and wrong, how they made you fall down with laughter as a child, how they helped to shape you as a person. These moments will come back because their positive influence on your life will never leave you. I promise you that.
